I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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