Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
