Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
