Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
