Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
