by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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