we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
