I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
