I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...