Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.