Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
