good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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