I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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