I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
