he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
