Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
