There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
