1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just fell off a train. Bad.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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