There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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