so that wasnt chicken after all
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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