you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
