sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I want her autograph on my taint
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
