she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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