I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
