it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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