i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
