im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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