i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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