Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
