they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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