My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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