i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
