you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
