i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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