I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
it was like eating out sand paper
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
