i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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