Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
