Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
