please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.