3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
