I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
