Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
