drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
