What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
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We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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