Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
