He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
it glows. i had to have it.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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