Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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