maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
