I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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