you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
