Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
