I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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