dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
