So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
