Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
