you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize